As someone who had sex for the first time impulsively, reading this guest blog made me feel like I’d missed out on something really cool. I am so grateful to this guest blogger for sharing her experience of first time sex – the knowledge that you’re about to do this thing comes with such resonance and power. And she’s captured it in quite breathtaking detail. Please welcome this week’s anonymous guest, and join me in the thrilling journey that she takes us on, as she describes that feeling of being filled and fucked for the very first time.
First time sex – he’s going to be inside me
I’m dressed nicely, but not too nicely. Just good clothes to wear to work. I’ve got underwear beneath it that he’s never seen. I’m reading a book and part of me can’t stop thinking about what I’m about to do. I’m going to have sex for the first time.
I got to the age of nineteen and boys didn’t matter. Men didn’t matter. Now for some reason when I think of this one’s hands on me, I’m aware of just how I’m sitting and all the places his fingers have been. The train jars along. The seat bounces me.
I feel it.
Tonight, maybe this evening, I’m going to be in bed with my boyfriend, and he’ll be inside me. I’m reading with a tiny frown and if I move my legs I can feel wetness. He’s going to push inside me and I turn the page and pretend that it’s just a normal night. The skin on my back and my arse is prickly with wanting him, whenever I think about it.
He’ll kiss me. (Nipples harden under my shirt.)
He’ll help me undress. (My belly contracts like he’s touching it.)
He’ll finger me and make me moan. (I don’t let any sound out past my lips, but I can feel my labia twitch.)
The walk to his house is shorter than usual but everything means something. Every street and tree and car belongs to a world in which a man is going to be inside me.
He’s made me cum. A lot. I know what his fingers can do. He’s sucked my clit, unloaded on my breasts and my belly and in my mouth, and never pressured me, but I can feel the weight of him not asking. He knows I’ve never had a lover. I’ve told him.
I like the idea of his cock sliding into me, of him entering me. I haven’t told him that, not yet.
He answers the door with his usual smile, and gives me a kiss as I come in. He’s short enough that it’s comfortable. “Do you want dinner?” he asks. What he means is, do I want to go to bed first, or afterwards. I think of him between my legs, and kiss him back. His hand slips up my skirt, and he makes a little noise as he feels lace. “Oh god, you’re wet.” He noticed.
“I have something for you.” I practiced this. It’s on the top of my handbag. “One moment.” And then I hand him a condom, and then he really kisses me. It’s deep, and he pushes me back against the wall, where a shelf holds my spine so I’m curved backwards. His hand pushes lacy underwear aside, and two fingers rub along the wet slit. My cunt clenches, and he takes his time, dragging against my clitoris, playing at finger-fucking me but not giving me the release of doing it. He keeps me bent that way for a while, and sometimes I can feel his dick against my hip, sometimes he’s too busy making me whimper. His fingers circle my clit, pinch it, let it go. I’m gripping onto the shelf with my hands, standing on tiptoes to let him reach me more easily, legs wide. Finally he slips two fingers into me. He watches my face as he does.
His eyes are so pretty, and he’s smiling, seeing me react to the fingers that are where his dick will be. He knows, and I know.
He holds my hand upstairs, and then we’re in the bedroom, and I’m suddenly really nervous. I’ve forgotten how to undress him. I’ve forgotten how to undress me.
“It’s fine,” he says. “There really is not much of a way you can get this wrong.” He helps me to take off my shirt, and my skirt, and looks at me in my black underwear, and licks his lips. “Lie down.”
He takes his time undressing, drops his clothes on the floor, and gets completely naked. His dick curves up a bit. It’s going to be inside me. I look away from it, and back to it. It’s going to push into me. The prickling feeling is back again, all around my hips, up my back. He’s going to put that inside me, and I’ve asked him to.
He spends a long time turning me on even more. His hands go all over my body, feeling every part of what he’s about to fuck. When he takes off my lacy, expensive underwear, I feel more naked than I ever have before. He strokes my belly, lets me touch his dick like it’s a treat, plays with my nipples as he tells me how sexy I am and how he wants me. He makes me feel how huge my clit is, how it sticks up, solid and sensitive, and then he asks me to play with it and tell him what I want.
I start flicking it gently with my middle finger, but it’s soaking wet and slick, and instead I gasp and writhe, and beg him, “Put your fingers into me?”
He does, three this time, top to bottom not side to side. There’s no relief in how he’s touching me. He doesn’t curve his fingerips up like I love. He just pushes his fingers in, pulls them out. All three, wet, as I gasp and try to cum, and then he’s moving over me. His weight’s pushing my legs apart, and he sucks at my neck, letting me feel the warmth of his skin. I don’t know what to do with my hands, or my legs, or my expression. For one moment, all I can do is wait, and I do.
I wait to have him start to fuck me.
He holds that big, up-curved dick in his hand, and his fingertips guide his head in, and then he pushes.
It’s slow. It hurts. One day I’ll work out that a lot of it’s technique – that if you can relax, and if you don’t try to open your legs quite that wide, it’s easier for him to slip inside. I can’t relax. This is the first time I’m having sex, and he’s big and hard, and he’s moving into me. He’s moving into me.
I wince, and my body fights it. It’s not the fact that it’s my first time that makes me tight for him. It’s me being tense. He slides into me, and then he stops, and lets me get used to it. It’s just surreal. No pleasure, just the feeling of being torn.
He asks if I’m alright. He’s a gentleman, and he can tell it hurts, but if I stop I might never want to start again, so I tell him, “Just do it,” and he does. He pushes all the way in, and I twist in discomfort, and then…
Then he moves. It’s not enjoyable, but it’s like having another sense, or another body part. All my life I never knew there was part of me hidden inside, and for the first time there’s a man there. It’s not like his fingers or his tongue. He’s big enough that he pushes all of me out at once, and so for the first time I know that I have this part of me. My body has a new part, and I wish I had known about it before, because how can you not know that there’s a part of you inside, and that it can be touched, all at once, by a man’s dick, withdrawing, pushing in, withdrawing, pushing deeper?
He’s taking his weight on his hands, checking I’m alright. I put a hand up to his chest and think about how this man is pushing into me, pulling out, pushing in. Inside me. He’s fucking me. We’re having sex. I don’t really feel pleasure, but he does. He’s taking his time, giving me the full length each time, his strokes long enough that I can feel his withdrawal like a loss of knowledge, feel him pushing into me like he’s reminding me of an old, familiar body part that I know about. It starts to feel like I know this.
The feeling builds slowly. On either side of my cunt, I can feel a little area that wants him, that is suddenly my whole world. There are two little ovals of me, one on either side of the cock that’s pushing into me repeatedly, that’s what he’s using to have sex with me, that feel good. The areas grow, bigger, and then he’s suddenly speeding up, and he feels huge, and I want the two areas of pleasure to grow together and be one, and it’s nearly there, and then I feel him twitching.
He’s coming inside me, the pump of his spunk like a pulse against my torn skin. He kisses me, and stays there, exhausted, and I’m still under him, with his shaft pinning me down, my legs wide, my breathing fast and hoarse, knowing I nearly had an orgasm from his thrusts.
Knowing that now, I’ve had sex with my boyfriend.
And he’s emptied himself inside me.
